“Reminisce on Good Love we Had”

“It’s so good to see you! We should really-“

“You know, we don’t have to do this, right?”

“Oh, thank god!”

Posted at at August 15, 2019 on Thursday, August 15, 2019 by |   | Filed under:


3 o'clock, just can't close my eyes
Something's wrong with me
I can't deal, I can't go to sleep
There's something in my heart
The streets keep calling me

— Thundercat, 3AM

Posted at at August 12, 2019 on Monday, August 12, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Orange Jumpsuits

Orange jumpsuits are durable
Orange jumpsuits are comfy
Damn, I look fresh in orange with a new pair of gleaming white K-Swiss Velcro shoes
Beige khakis are ugly
Beige khakis arent snuggly
Strike a pose against the cinder blocks in a crisp white clean Hanes crew cut shirt.
Blue scrubs never fit right
Blue scrubs, too loose, too tight
But they’re easy to wash, just give me clean undies and socks
Orange jumpsuits are durable
Orange jumpsuits are comfy
I’d wear them on the outs if cops wouldn’t scream FREEZE or HALT
My milkshake brings all the boys out to the rec yard.

Posted at at August 07, 2019 on Wednesday, August 7, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

I have had trouble in "yarn stores" in the past.

June: "I was quite disappointed. My friend and I visited. We are from the States and that was obvious as we were talking quite a bit. Not one of the two workers paid us any attention. I own my own shop and I am always quite curious where everyone new is from. Especially when I know that they are from out of town. They have no business whatsoever running a yarn store, they have no idea how to run a yarn store correctly!"

Susan: "It is a STORE not a social club! June has unrealistic expectations. It is a yarn store. You buy yarn and then you LEAVE."

Rachael: "I've been to June's yarn store and I'm 100% convinced that she only opened it so that she could have all her friends over for a nosy knitting circle where they interrogate everybody that comes in!"

June: "We're just interested in you and trying to get to know you better, that's all."

Belle: "I don't think you understand how yarn stores work. Maybe I am reading this wrong, but I have had trouble in yarn stores in the past. Let me try to explain: Yarn stores are meeting places where women sit together and knit for hours at a time. The idea is, you work on your project and you have conversations and get to know people and make friends. Some yarn stores welcome new people into the circle, and ask them where they are from and what they are working on. Friendly yarn stores deserve stars and compliments, because they are great to hang out in! But some yarn stores are favored by inbred groups of mean old biddies who have known each other since high school and don't want to talk to outsiders. They give you side looks if you try to join the conversation and try to make you feel uncomfortable. This kind of yarn store is less desirable-"

Susan: "Or maybe June really is as shallow and self-centered as she appears."

Belle: "It is possible that June did not express herself well. There is also a possibility that she is just a normal knitter and the people at the store really did give her the cold shoulder. I mean, it happens."

* Adapted from a Reddit discussion about actual yarn stores.

Posted at at August 02, 2019 on Friday, August 2, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Fast Facts about Black Beans

They're black.

And they're beans.

We put them into these here tin cans, you see.

And then we go home and smoke meth after work.

What can you tell me about your lives if this town is a place that you find yourselves rescued to instead of rescued from?

Only this:

Daddy usually prefers the company of Dustin.

Posted at at July 15, 2019 on Monday, July 15, 2019 by |   | Filed under:


Daddy’s worth millions but he left you where he found you busting your ass working your second shift for the day in a restaurant off of some dirt road over in this rural town.

I’m not sure why you wish you were his and only his.

Maybe it’s the way he checks up on you.

Maybe it’s the way he keeps you from your friends.

Maybe it’s the way he keeps you at arms length and doesn’t give you what you want.

Doesn’t that just make you weak in the knees?

You say this man could change your life, if only.

You sound lonely.

Maybe someday Daddy will whisk you away to that factory town that the rest of the world rolls their windows up and holds their noses for and drives through as quickly as possible. Perhaps you can take a tour of the cannery together and learn everything there is to know about black beans.

And then what?

A quiet lifetime of whispering to faceless men a hundred miles away in their homes with their great big walk in closets in which they will neatly fold and put their sexuality away at night along with any scent or trace or memory of you before they kiss their wives goodnight?

Changing people’s lives doesn’t give you a lot to show for it other than changing people’s lives.

I wonder if Daddy ever thinks about the patterns in your irises when you’re not in his arms at night.

Posted at at July 14, 2019 on Sunday, July 14, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Sonrisa (Sunrise)

No encuentro nada en esta oscuridad
No encuentro nada en esta oscuridad
Pero cuando te siento llegar , ah hah

Se va

Approximately: “I encounter nothing in this darkness, but when I feel you arrive it goes away.”

Posted at at July 12, 2019 on Friday, July 12, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Now I see why Chris liked this place so much

Posted at at July 11, 2019 on Thursday, July 11, 2019 by |   | Filed under:


Posted at at July 10, 2019 on Wednesday, July 10, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

“Planting seeds that will become trees.”

Posted at at July 09, 2019 on Tuesday, July 9, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Hearts Collide

I don't mind being alone
Keep myself to myself
I walk the streets in the rain
And keep my head down

'Cause I've been brokenhearted
And maybe I'm guilty of the same
But suddenly something started
I'm like a moth into the flame

Baby when our hearts collide
We're leaving a whole world behind
The planets and the stars align
Holding back the hands of time

Feet kept firm on the ground
But my head got lost in the clouds
Hands in pockets and dreams
In hidden places

So I've been brokenhearted
And may be I'm guilty of the same
But suddenly something started
I'm like a moth into the flame

Baby when our hearts collide
We're leaving a whole world behind
The planets and the stars align
Holding back the hands of time

'Cause the past is over and the future's far away

Maybe heaven sends a sign
Baby when our hearts collide
Baby when our hearts collide
We're leaving a whole world behind
The planets and the stars align
Holding back the hands of time

'Cause the past is over and the future's far away

Maybe heaven sends a sign
Baby when our hearts collide
Baby when our hearts collide
Baby when our hearts collide

— Little Boots , Hearts Collide

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Richard Stannard / Julian Peake / Victoria Hesketh

Posted at at July 09, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:


Posted at at July 08, 2019 on Monday, July 8, 2019 by |   | Filed under:


In 2008 or so I was working for ACS Healthcare doing the re-design work for health.gov and healthfinder.gov — new Dell servers, some shit had been hacked by China, some other issues.

I was working out of SAMHSA’s offices in... fuck I don’t even know where, Rockville Maryland or something like that? I always called it Rocktropolis in my old blog.

I used to do rails of coke in SAMHSA’s office, which I thought was fucking HILARIOUS.

It might have just been the call center. Small world huh?

You probably don’t believe me, but I guarantee you anyone who knows me will be like, yeah, if anyone did that it would be that fucking queen.

For what it’s worth I carried a sack and was sniffing it everywhere, it’s not like SAMHSA was special.

Weirdest little known fact about the Department of Health is that it’s actually a separate branch of the US Military! They have uniforms and  rankings and these cool skirts and stuff. They salute each other and then I guess they go down into some bunker where they get the missles ready to deploy on my ex boyfriend Will’s supergonnorhea.

I’m making that last part up.

The missles, not the supergonorrhea.

The kitty was aiight I’d still -


During the re-design there was a huge push to edit the content to a (sixth? eighth? fourth?) grade reading level. A couple of a people were copying and pasting articles manually from the old template to the new redesigned template.

So, yeah I know who and what they are and yo hablo un poco some evidence based approaches or whatever I guess.

I just remember someone casually handing me the article for alcoholism.

I finished that one.

Then they’d slide me the one for addiction.

So I finished that one.

Are you... tryna say something?

Fuck that’s so shady we should have been friends! 😭😭😭

And then I was asked to not return.

Story of my life. “What the fuck was he ON?”

*whips out the adding machine and starts punching buttons furiously*

Fuck!! What wasn’t I on? I don’t even know what’s in the trail mix!!!

I remembered them and included some info about them this time.

Posted at at July 08, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:


Posted at at July 04, 2019 on Thursday, July 4, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

So that I may see the face of God in all people and all experiences

Little Thérèse
Spending your eternal Heaven
Doing good upon the earth

I ask, please,
Pick a bloom from the gardens of Paradise
And send it down to me
With a message
Of your gentle love

Oh little flower, Thérèse,
Powerful, in every need, body and spirit,
From the heart of God
Please, grant this favor, and now, please,
Confidence, in your hands,
I beseech you

Send me your majestic rain of roses
So that I may share your grace
Bless me with blooms of lily
Blooms of violet
Blooms of buttercups
Blooms of lilac
Blooms of jasmine
Blooms of hyacinth
Blooms of honeysuckle
Blooms of magnolia
Blooms of gardenia
Blooms of tuberose
Let fall from Heaven, please,
The Shower of Flowers
Let me be anointed with the splendor of their perfumed essence
So that I may see the face of God
In all people, and in all experiences.

Oh my glorious sister Thérèse
Prodigy of miracles
Your petals unfurled
I implore your miraculous intercession
Whisper to me,
Help me to always
Trust as you did
In God our Father's great love for me
So that in your fragrant path
I might imitate your venerable little way
and walk heroically
Holding the blossom of grace with me each day.

Let fall from Heaven, please,
The Shower of Flowers
Let me be anointed with the splendor of their perfumed essence
So that I may see the face of God in all people and in all experiences
So that in your fragrant path
I might imitate your venerable little way.

Posted at at July 03, 2019 on Wednesday, July 3, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Eight rainbows in the Utah sky, watching clouds reflect in puddles as I’m driving by

Mormons believe that the earth will be renewed and rebuilt to its paradisiacal glory. I hope they carefully disassemble Utah, put it away in storage, and then put it back exactly the way that it is. Except maybe without the plastic litter.

Posted at at July 01, 2019 on Monday, July 1, 2019 by |   | Filed under:


Nobody ever said running that website was easy. But we assembled a good team and in our innermost private conversations we all agreed that while it was stressful and sometimes thankless or chaotic we would do it all over again a hundred times over just to save one addicts life. I would do it to give a little girl her mommy or give you back to your creator.

In [Nadia’s] book, “Pastrix, the Cranky, Beautiful, Faith of a Sinner and Saint,” she writes of resurrection, “It happens to all of us, God keeps reaching down into the dirt of humanity and resurrecting us from the graves we dig for ourselves through violence our lies, our selfishness, our arrogance, and our addictions. And God keeps loving us back to life, over and over.”

Not only will God dig you out of the graves you dig for yourselves...

God will also dig you out of the graves that you have dug, and are digging, for one another.

Posted at at July 01, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:


On some level I believe we are all connected at source and that we are little raindrops of light in an ocean of light.

There is nothing that I am that you are not.

In that space everything that I experience and everything that you experience and everything we all experience occurs and exists simultaneously and without contradiction.

Heaven knows what you’ve been through.

My worst enemy is my brother or my sister or my friend. Will I remember that? Will you?

This whole idea of white light or source is a little too celestial and abstract, even if you believe in this you can forget it when you need to remember it most, just like everyone else.

That visualization and that concept work in the realm of the spirit where we are all connected as one but it’s not as tangible on our divided and broken planet.

What is the term for a paradigm where I can’t be something without there also being something that I am not? I’ll edit this when I remember where I’m going with it.

EDIT: Duality !!

I love the idea of flowers:

Roses and violets and wildflowers and daffodils and pretty little purple flowers growing in Utah along with the dandelions pushing up through some concrete.

Flowers are a better metaphor for the reality of what people are while they’re here.

That’s actually something I think I can put into daily practice.

Posted at at July 01, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:

“Pay attention, this is for you.”

St. Therese loved nature, and often used the imagery of nature to explain how the Divine Presence is everywhere, and how everything is connected in God's loving care and arms. Therese saw herself as "the Little Flower of Jesus" because she was just like the simple wild flowers in forests and fields, unnoticed by the greater population, yet growing and giving glory to God. Therese did not see herself as a brilliant rose or an elegant lily, by simply as a small wildflower. This is how she understood herself before the Lord - simple and hidden, but blooming where God had planted her.

Therese believed passionately that Jesus was delighted in his "Little Flower," and just as a child can be fascinated by the grandeur of a simple flower, she believed that Jesus was fascinated by her as his "Little Flower." Therese understood that she was just like the tiny flower in the forest, surviving and flourishing through all the seasons of the year. Because of God's grace, she knew that she was stronger than she looked. Following the Carmelite tradition, Therese saw the world as God's garden, and each person being a different kind of flower, enhancing the variety and beauty which Jesus delighted in. When various people tried to explain her powerful inspiration and her place within the Church, it always seemed to come back to one title "the Little Flower."

In her autobiography, she beautifully explains this spirituality:

Jesus set before me the book of nature. I understand how all the flowers God has created are beautiful, how the splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not take away the perfume of the violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy. I understand that if all flowers wanted to be roses, nature would lose her springtime beauty, and the fields would no longer be decked out with little wild flowers. So it is in the world of souls, Jesus' garden. He has created smaller ones and those must be content to be daisies or violets destined to give joy to God's glances when He looks down at His feet. Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wills us to be.


Posted at at July 01, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:

Here I thought I was done with stuffy old church basements.

“I have shown up in places where I wasn’t as vulnerable as everyone else there, in ways that were not helpful.”

I thought about all those times I trolled the shit out of those fascist fucks in the VPC.

“Even worse than that, there are times when I haven’t shown up at all.”

Ohhhh. I am going to "show up," alright. I am going to show all the fuck the way up.

Just not there, anymore.

“I found myself siding with the disciples when they got kicked out of the village and begged Jesus to drone strike them.”

I immediately thought of The Bannees.

I smiled.

I don’t know that story and I’m dying to know what his response was.

Hopefully it’s the one where frogs and locusts and blood rain from the sky and all their firstborn die.

I’m kidding! I’m kidding!

The passages in question are in Luke 9 51-55:

51 As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem. 

52 And he sent messengers on ahead, who went into a Samaritan village to get things ready for him; 

53 but the people there did not welcome him, because he was heading for Jerusalem. 

54 When the disciples James and John saw this, they asked, “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?” 

55 But Jesus turned and rebuked them. 

56 Then he and his disciples went to another village.

I’m kind of happy right now. I really wasn’t expecting that.

I’m having a lot of good connections, conversations, and interactions in my travels.

When I referred to it in the past as an “unpaid and thankless” shit task, maybe I was mistaken.

I had to let go of that negativity and step into the real world in order to receive the dividends in my own life.

This hot and stuffy church basement is the BEST hot and stuffy church basement: They bring POPSICLES!

Posted at at June 30, 2019 on Sunday, June 30, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Not all of those who are lost, wander.

My beat up and stinky old J’s have seen the sands of the Bahia Honda and Jamala Beach .. and, I guess, a lot more than that, but nothing has made my heart more glad than waking up and seeing the red sands of Utah on them.

There’s an old saying in the rooms that “the only thing you have to change is everything,” and even that will never be enough to please a narcis-

Shh, don’t ruin this.

*click, set, go*

Posted at at June 30, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:

America the Beautiful, the Horrible, the Amazing, the Tragic

I was minding my own business and swigging my beer on a rooftop deck on W 28th St when I was cornered by the Jersey Twins.

They were both really cute, they had me feeling a little insecure.

We’re talking and getting to know each other.

I’m asked what I do for fun.

I explained that I was roaming around America with a backpack and taking it all in.

I don’t think they believed me.

The one on my left sneered and asked “And how is America? Is it beautiful?”

His friend, who I favored more: “Is it horrible?”

From my left: “Is it amazing?”

His friend: “Is it tragic?”

I didn’t have a good answer for that.

But I was living for how these two bitchy manicured cosmo sipping queens from Jersey were trying to make fun of me ... or flirt with me ... or perhaps both... and in the process had managed to accidentally sum up the human condition from the roof of the NYC Eagle.

That was actually kind of profound!

They had just made my night!

I thought about the question.

I grinned and simply replied “yes.”

I took my beer over to the edge of the roof and sat down alone wishing that Donald Trump would lose the election, stay in New York City, and build a Great Big Beautiful Wall to keep New Jersey out instead.

Posted at at June 29, 2019 on Saturday, June 29, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

“Deeper heart lines could show that your interpersonal relationships are significant to your life.”

I don't have a heart line anymore, I have a fucking crater.

Posted at at June 29, 2019 on by |   | Filed under:

An Eye For An Eye Makes The Whole World High

I feel raindrops falling washing off my tears
I been walking through a daydream all my years
Oh I do believe in world peace my dear, I do
Wise women will call your name
If you believe in impossible things
If you believe if it grows from seeds to a beautiful tree
What you want, what you want, you want
Sun don't shine
And we all know why
Bullets keep flying
So many shooting
In the darkest times
Through the darkest night
What you want what you want
Sun don't shine
And we all know why
Bullets keep flying
So many crying
In the darkest night
Through the darkest times
What you want what you want
I can feel it in the air it just grew thin
Then the numbers they be counting coming in
Do you believe in world peace my friend

— Kaytranada, Bullets

Posted at at June 28, 2019 on Friday, June 28, 2019 by |   | Filed under:

Take this as you will.

Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and have professed a good professionalismsn before many witnesses. 1 Tim 6:12

Whether our warfare be of the more public kind or of the more private sort, there must be warfare; and , more than this, there must be progress and victory, else we can never be accepted by the Lord as "overcomers."

Another thought should be borne in mind by us all. The Lord in making his estimate will take knowledge of the spirit which actuated us, rather than of the results secured by our efforts. In view of this, let us see to it, not only that we do with our might what our hands find to do, but also that our every sacrifice and gift to the Lord and his cause is so full of love and devotion that the Lord will surely approve it; as done from love for him and his, and not from vainglory.

Posted at at June 26, 2019 on Wednesday, June 26, 2019 by |   | Filed under: