😈


Posted at at February 16, 2019 on Saturday, February 16, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

I just picked a card and I busted out laughing.

It was pointed out to me that the penmanship makes it also appear to read “for liveness.”


Posted at at February 15, 2019 on Friday, February 15, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Garbage in, garbage out

So, what do I use the website for?

Welcome people.

Encourage them.

Take their incomprehensible suffering and chaos and hold it in my hands with them.

Talk them through kicking dope.

Don’t try to fix them or tell them what to do.

I do not beg them to go to meetings.

Or anything else.

Yes, I’m a horrible fucking person because I won’t give someone their rightful place at the top of the scratching pole, will someone please arrest me?

*hiss* my preciousssssss

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I’m not trying to create a website that keeps people out.

Though, it accomplishes that if certain criteria are met.

I’m trying to create a website that keeps people in.

I’m taking the cat out of the “hunt game” and removing some hard coded bans when I get home.

I don’t know if you’re growing or changing.

But I am.


Posted at at February 15, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

I love it when you get all metaphorical, Satan!

I heard a brutal joke some years ago:


Q: What’s the difference between an elementary school and a terrorist training camp?

A: I don’t know either, shut up and fly the drone Roger.

Little did I know at the time that some part of that would stick in my brain and influence a policy.

To wit, I don’t give a fuck who is flying the drone.

All are welcome but not all behaviors.

I was selected for this because I have a certain fucked perspective to go with my skills.

Out of all the people screaming for their rightful place at the top of the scratching pole, Connie chose me and trusted me with this. I have done the best job I’m capable of, in light of who I am and what I’ve been given to work with here.

You say I’m a deeply flawed person? Derp, no shit. Have you read this thing? Do you even understand what we’re doing?

It’s not accomplished by clutching our pearls and claiming to be virtuous and above all this “naughty language and toilet humor” and sin. It’s accomplished by talking about that time you woke up in a puddle of your snot, tears, puke, god knows what ... to a magistrate asking you if you knew where you were.

One of the inherent problems with stepper logic is that some of them think they’ve moved up the spiritual ladder simply by not even looking at a glass of wine funny for seven years. Some people equate it with moral superiority or worse and end up being some of the most fucked up people in the room without even knowing it. I know of at least two who try to make my life hell, openly bragging they’ve never worked a step and don’t need to, yet still adopting an attitude where they’re peering down their nose at us from the gutter as IF they had done any work in the program.

“God’s tent is big enough for everyone.... [ when I draw a line between myself and others, God is always on the other side of it.]” — Nadia.

I just don’t get why some people just have to do this vindictive and sick bullshit for ten or fifteen years, like Gollum after his fucking precious or Ahab after his god damned whale.

I wish that your sickness wasn’t something that was on my radar.

Whatever people do on Facebook is Mark Zuckerburg’s problem.

Shutting off private messaging is what I’ve chosen to do about the problems under my roof.

Posted at at February 15, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

“I’m not here for your entertainment.”

I pretty much just want to talk to my mom and my Mormon aunts and Jake and Richard.

And look at stupid pictures of cats like a normal person.

But it’s for the best that I don’t have a social media account.



I’m not interested in who fucked whom or who cybered whom.

Some of you fuckers are nuts and that’s a frightening endorsement coming from me.

Some people want to be in control and have power.

If they don’t have a key, they exercise control and power with sabotage, gossip, etc.

They exercise control by trying to ruin a person.

They do that in real live home groups too.

Others do it by outright trying to ruin the website. Hacking, trolling, etc.

Others try to scandalize or manipulate me with the gossip, hoping I will take an action against someone they want excluded.

Uh, that’s not what I use the website for.

It’s kind of fascinating that this is the manner in which others choose to use the website.

People fuck.

I’m not in on the uh, action because that’s not why I am here.

That’s not what I use the website for.

Some of y’all are pussy hungry and willfully ignorant and let these women fuck with you and manipulate you.

Men are stupid.

I’m gay. I’m just like ewwwww, put that thing away, it’s icky.

Doesn’t work on me.

I’m just gonna pop a bag of popcorn and watch the shit show.

Posted at at February 15, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Forgiveness is a great stress reliever, for we have received it in abundance.

Consensus: We don’t care who is flying the drone.

Or who is watching.

Or what they call themselves.

We turned off private messaging.

So Miranda can’t come in every day and PM Robin that she is a bitch.

You can’t come in on a VPN and PM me to call me a faggot and tell me to go overdose.

I deleted the webmaster@ account so they can’t send nasty threatening e-mails or try to infect us with their lies and their gossip.

Nope, you’ll have to behave like that in front of God and everyone, so we all know why you got kicked out and have 20 witnesses. No more sniffling and crying about how mean Robert is.

No more lying. I ain’t afraid of the sunshine.

It’s sure pissing off a few other people though!

Come talk like that in the room and get smacked down fool.

If someone is a jerk in the public room, they can take a break.

It doesn’t matter who they are. No one is special, no one is especially loathed.

I might think you’re a cunt.

You might think I’m a faggot and a prick.

Why can’t we both be right?


Posted at at February 15, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

I suppose they finally got Al Capone for tax evasion...

Gig’s finally up Carmen San Grodevant, you’re under arrest for talking to people while they’re kicking opiates. 🚨🚨🚨🚨 😂

Bruh I’m pretty sure my local field office and the US Attorney’s office here are gonna be like “oh, is that what he’s up to these days? Thank fuck.”

13,000+ visitors last month and oh no! One or two or maybe FIVE of them don’t like me.

Like, REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t like me.

Lol.

In my past life 12000 out of 13000 would have said “go overdose and die you faggot.”



Posted at at February 15, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Thought you might like to know.

In the last 30 days:

13,966 unique clients visited the site.
4,365 unique client entered the room.

Y'all are welcoming and talking to +/- 145 different people a day on average.

Both numbers are more than double our 2017 statistics.

Don't be discouraged because one or two or five of them are extremely fucking unpleasant / vocal.




Posted at at February 15, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


Posted at at February 14, 2019 on Thursday, February 14, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

I mean, as long as all of my exes STAY in Texas...

I went to my old home group in Texas.

Didn’t see my ex for three straight days, thank you Jesus.

That bitch is gonna fuck a dog when she relapses.

James said “nothing’s changed around here.”

I said “and that’s why I’m not here.”

After thinking about it though? Nothing really changes anywhere else either.


Posted at at February 13, 2019 on Wednesday, February 13, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

My White Flesh Light Experience

Oh, sweetheart -- As you rage on impotently {ooo, phrasing, I’m going to regret that one in the morning} please remind me, again, exactly what part I played in your sex conduct?

Correct answer: None whatsoever!

Ya talking to the guy who just blogged that if his pussy had a password it would be “12345.”

My name is Miss Deidre and my pussy is out of control.

I have fucked dudes I’ve met at the bus stop, the impound lot, and Popeye’s Chicken.

Has your pussy ever been so drug crazed and cock hungry that it growled and bit someone like a frightened Pomeranian? Did you see the headlines where they had to send Animal Control to put six tranquilizer darts in my pussy and it still kept going? They was so scared, they thought my pussy had RABIES because it had white foam dripping from its mouth, it was broad daylight, and it was coming at them so aggressively!

One Sunday morning I had been slow fucked like a human flesh light for fourteen hours in a sling at Steamworks. I had moaned and screamed until I was hoarse! I said work this pussy! I had put one leg up on Roscoe’s and the other one just across Lake Shore Drive! I was a quivering puddle of jizz puddin laying there whimpering “ooooooooo” in the Jaccuzi, and I didn’t have another “awwwww helllll you mother fucker” left in me but the dude hit my walls so good my pussy wasn’t even CLOSE to done singing his praises yet. My pussy grabbed me by the hand and shouted “I’mma testify!”

You won’t believe what happened next, my pussy dragged me to the Mount Zion Bethel Baptist Church where it clapped and sang along with the choir. Hit my walls, oh yes he did! I started convulsing and rolling around on the floor and this man put his hand on my forehead. It was just like Bill Wilson’s white flash experience, my bush was BURNIN honey.

I had been spiritually awake for at least six days at that point, but I had my white trash experience and I am forever a changed woman. I have never not once sinned by touching my muffin on Skype or Zoom or Cam Four ever since that day.

I just did my sexual inventory with my sponsor, I took the Los Angeles telephone book and a Sharpie marker and crossed out all the women and put a question mark next to any of the men that I at least have no recollection of having sex with in a drunken blackout.

But I only keep what I have with vigilance. I know my sexual addiction is out there in the parking lot doing KEGEL exercises right now honey.

Ok, your turn, tell me a sexy story about this dark side you say you have. 😈

----- Original Message -----
From: Cunt
To: "Webmaster"
Sent: Sun, 10 Feb 2019 23:10:34 +0000
Subject: I am shocked

So you are a sick Mother Fucker with a limp dick damn that has got to be rough. Perhaps you should speak with xxxxx xxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxx although I truly hate throwing xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxunder the bus he is a good guy but we all have our dark sides eh

Posted at at February 11, 2019 on Monday, February 11, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Crickets

It’s not constructive to complain about how I supposedly choose to run the website anymore.

Save your collective outrage for the manner in which I’m forced to run the website.

It’s not so funny anymore when it starts to inconvenience you, you say? 🎤

Posted at at February 11, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Floorboards

Faith isn’t the part where you notice your HP present in all things and brimming out of everyone;

That is a form of conscious contact.

It’s the part when it all goes dark for a bit and the whole worlds gone to shit, and you know something’s still out there.

I never promise anyone “it gets better.”

“It” might still be an ordeal and you might still have a few floorboards to crash through sober as a church mouse.

I promise “you will get better.”

Look up at the stars,
Look up at the moon:
Only you know and they know what they have guided you through.

Posted at at February 11, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Protection

This girl I know needs some shelter
She don't believe anyone can help her
She's doing so much harm, doing so much damage

But you don't want to get involved
You tell her she can manage
And you can't change the way she feels
But you could put your arms around her

I know you want to live yourself
But could you forgive yourself
If you left her just the way
You found her

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a boy and I'm a girl
But you know you can lean on me
And I don't have no fear
I'll take on any man here
Who says that's not the way it should be

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

She's a girl and you're a boy
Sometimes you look so small, look so small

You've got a baby of your own
When your baby's grown, she'll be the one
To catch you when you fall

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a girl and I'm a boy
You're a girl and I'm a boy, yeah
You're a girl and I'm a boy
You're a girl and I'm a boy

Sometimes you look so small, need some shelter
Just runnin' round and round, Helter Skelter

And I've leaned on you for years
Now you can lean on me
And that's more than love, that's the way
It should be

Now I can't change the way you think
But I could put my arms around you
That's just part of the deal
That's the way I feel

I put my arms around you
I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

I stand in front of you
I'll take the force of the blow
Protection

You're a boy and I'm a girl
You're a boy and I'm a girl, hey
You're a boy and I'm a girl
You're a boy and I'm a girl, yeah

— Massive Attack, Protection 

Posted at at February 10, 2019 on Sunday, February 10, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

I liked this place.

I had the first dream where my old cat from when I was a kid jumped off of a cliff and into the ocean water.

Oh no!

I took a couple tentative steps towards the water but the rock face was too steep for me to save her.

I watched her struggle, and she made it out.

She climbed up the face of the rock soaking wet.

She was a stray who had befriended and chosen me, and she was always tough like that.

I woke up crying.

I missed her.

In my second dream I was living in a giant house with floor to ceiling glass walls and a beautiful panoramic view of wheat fields, green landscapes as far as the eye could see.

I went around the perimeter, I was totally stoked.

I sat down at the counter next to someone and we both dozed off on our stools.

At some point I woke up, or so I thought.

A tooth had come out of its socket and broken into two pieces.

I held my hand and I looked at it.

I thought: In dream symbolism, this is something about dishonesty.

I wanted to know what time it was.

I grabbed what I thought was my iPhone and tried to click the home button.

It was a grounded wall tap and I was pressing it in the center.

(There are no iPhones here.)

(I knew I was dreaming.)

Well, what time is it?

There was a broken watch. Maybe it said ...

I heard a voice tell me it was three-something.

Three thirteen?

Three thirty five?

(Does it matter?)

I looked at the person sleeping on my right.

I beamed the thought “I love you” at him.

He woke up and looked at me and smiled.

Hm.

Now I know I’m dreaming.

What is this place? I like it.

And then there was a loose sliding door I was trying to fix for someone. Or talk about fixing, maybe. They’d used an oversized anchor and cracked the brick and I was debating how to repair it.

I slid it open and went outside.

Then I was outside standing on the top of an old rusty metal slide.

I told a young woman about the situation with the anchor.

She was helping kids down the slide.

I looked at a young boy taking his turn.

I knelt down and I cried.

I felt a hand on the back of my head stroking me and comforting me.

I woke up keening and crying and I wondered how long I had been doing that.

Posted at at February 05, 2019 on Tuesday, February 5, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Some other place I don't know where I am.
Some other place where I don't know anyone.
Some other place where I don't have any friends.
Some other stupid hotel room.
Some other gloomy rain-soaked sky.




Posted at at February 04, 2019 on Monday, February 4, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

I forget who you are, you forget who I am.

All my life's a circle;
Sunrise and sundown;
Moon rolls through the nighttime;
'Til the daybreak comes around.
All my life's a circle;
But I can't tell you why;
Season's spinning round again;
The years keep rollin' by.
It seems like I've been here before;
I can't remember when;
But I have this funny feeling;
That we'll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There's no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends.
I found you a thousand times;
I guess you done the same;
But then we lose each other;
It's like a children's game;
As I find you here again;
A thought runs through my mind;
Our love is like a circle;
Let's go 'round one more time.
I found you a thousand times;
I guess you done the same;
But then we lose each other;
It's like a children's game;

-- All My Life's a Circle (Harry Chapin)

Posted at at February 04, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

dB/Dianora.

Diane Bruce is actually kinda cool. She’s an older lesbian somewhere out in Oregon.

She’s an old school UNIX engineer.

I was a stupid teenager, the trolls liked to call her Diawhora, and I thought that was brilliant.

Because, you know, that no-good damned /oper ruined the trolling or takeover party.

I suppose that this was not a friendly way to utilize a public chat network.

Trolling provided endless hours of entertainment for some of us.

Who would have ever guessed that a bot in #GayWisconsin named “cheesehead” would have set a password like “wisconsin?”

Probably one of the kids who figured out the lantastic admin password was “football,” and the specific student who proceeded to delete the principal’s resume, download all the test answers, and send endless copies of the lyrics to Antichrist Superstar to the principal’s printer as described here.

Trolling and hacking are one of those things that go hand in hand with a personality disorder and/or substance abuse. The gifted and bored. The gifted and angry at the world.

I was something of a social justice warrior from hell, I took that channel over because it’s “owner” was a now-convicted kiddie fucker and kiddie videographer named Daniel Dannels who used the place as a trap for young boys. I kinda went through something as a 15 year old runaway, was vulnerable and in tears, and the gross motherfucker used the opportunity to blow me and I allowed it.

But I got even with him by ending his fun on IRC. First order of business was showing up at the #GayWisconsin get together in Madison. Me, cliffster, and a young man I won’t name who was one of Daniel’s victims showed up for the pedo channel party with a chocolate ex lax pie.

It was made by a fierce Latina who used her grandmother’s recipe.

We set it down on a table before anyone noticed.

Temurah looked at me and screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!”

All three of us obliged, and from what I heard, the pie was delicious and there was a loooooong line for the only bathroom in his house.

Then I got to work. I took all of Daniel’s channels over and banned him.

I banned Temurah, too.

Get the fuck out of MY house, bitch.

I blew the fuck up out of DanDan’s ICQ app constantly with ICQFlood. I winnuked the son of a bitch out of existence every time I could ping his static IP address. He all but gave up on using a computer or a chatroom.

A few of the other kiddie fuckers -- connoisseurs of Daniel's videography and/or 13 year old boys -- did a pretty successful hit job on my reputation, such as it was, in the gay community. I got psycho e-mails pretty much in the same vein as I do from the NA site; and one of them e-mailed my boss at the State Journal/Capital Times informing them that I was crazy and a "gay internet terrorist."

His name was supposedly Tadd, whoever the fuck he was.

I tried not to beam with pride in front of Nathan Harper when he read it out loud.

Anyone I was interested in was warned that I was riddled with STDs, I was crazy, and to not fuck and/or date me. It’s kind of interesting that Shiloh claims to have firsthand knowledge that all of the other “diseased perverts” avoid me.

Oh, do go on, tell me more about your social interactions with diseased perverts, John. 🎤

Are you a member of the kiddie fucker illuminati or something?

I had gotten the job as a sysadmin through said chatroom -- I was talking about Linux, someone said if you can fix our predictive dialer, we'll hire you.

It was an AT&T System V box. I had it fixed in about 10 minutes: Someone from InaCompetent had commented out the lines to respawn the modems in a maintenance window and then they couldn't figure out the issue. The classifieds department was in a panic.

I have that chatroom and that chance encounter to thank for my entire career.

That was my life at 16 years old.

I had no real reason for occasionally taking over the gay Chicago channel. I had a crush on it’s owner Lance Lauries, and I did things like that so Senpai would notice me. We were openly hostile towards each other in chat, supposedly mortal enemies, but then every once in awhile we’d flirt on some other app and the sparks would fly privately. This was my favorite crush.

It was kind of fun being the formerly banned underdog that a lot of people ended up liking. Some people still hate me to this day because they don’t understand why I attacked the channel and took it over. Or they believed whatever rumors some kiddie fuckers spread. Does this sound familiar?

Does it sound identical to the narrative other people say about their forks and divisions? You know, the ones that have been going on for the last 20 years and often involving the same people over and over and over again?

We should really have thanked Dianora for giving us a place to be jerks for our own entertainment.

Now I am not a stupid teenager and I’m like, fuck, I might have had a lot in common with her.

Including the fact that she was protective in her domain.

I had reservations about being asked to do what I did here.

And definitely some deja vu.

Robin didn’t know any of that about me, but she said “we need Robert, and you need a troll in order to beat a troll.”

And it was like, fuck, I really don’t want to be that guy again.

All the same, at the time, it was fitting and I was the right guy for that task.

Robin is a fucking smart lady.

I guess karma really is a bitch and I hope that I’ve properly atoned for my old behavior.

I used to troll the shit out of Christian channels.

I said to God, if there was one, I’ll believe in him when I can see him.

Son of a bitch, if he, or it didn’t reveal himself to me of all people.

I experienced being at the source where everything was connected and one.

I experienced the joy of none of this mattering anymore.

I asked to come back for some reason.

I agreed to do something and I can’t remember what it was.

Son of a bitch, I would continue to struggle with faith now and again throughout my life anyway.

Posted at at February 04, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Maybe.

Interesting collection of characters at the information session.

There was myself, some guy who goes to Al-Anon, a true nut job believer stepper with thirty years, and some lady who provides counseling for young actors who said she would miss working with them.

The facilitator chuckled and said “oh trust me you’re still going to be working with young actors.”

I guess my schpiel was that I used to facilitate groups at a treatment center in Chicago about a decade ago, which I kind of enjoyed, how I “volunteer on” a website with 20,000+ visitors a year in hotline mode where we signpost people to 12-step groups and help them find meetings, and more recently I’d volunteered for Share supervising people on court ordered community service.

I said I had no training and I can’t say that it had ever occurred to me to get into the field as a professional but here we are.

She said “oh good, we’re going to cover a whole bunch of stuff you’re going to love.”

Tuition is somewhere around $5,000.

It came to my attention this week that my former employer added 108 shares of company stock to my brokerage account some time last year.

I executed a trade on some of them worth about $4,900 and I was planning to have the Z4 fixed again.

But meh, fuck that car. Who cares if it sits and rots in a barn in Minnesota for a year.

The stepper was a trip.

One of the things the facilitator mentioned was how AA had been problematic for shunning the mentally ill, and how some AA groups used to tell people they weren’t clean if they were on antipsychotics or antidepressants. Meanwhile various mental health practitioners would get a client reeking of alcohol and go how can I work with this jackass when he’s drunk? He can’t do the work when he’s intoxicated.

We’ll call the 12-step shill Bird Lady.

She indignantly piped up and said that’s absolutely not true in Los Angeles, no one says that.

I hadn’t said much.

I volunteered that Los Angeles was an anomaly because it’s hard to find an actual purebred alcoholic here — you know, with DTs and all — who hasn’t done a little blow or other drugs.

But you go elsewhere in the country and these alcoholics foam at the mouth because you’re not a “real” alcoholic, or you’d done drugs before and they don’t welcome addicts in the meeting.

I’ve been to meetings in at least eight states and yeah I’ve definitely seen some cranks saying people on psychotropic medications are not sober.

I said what are you going to do? Barge in there and shout “this isn’t how we do our meetings in Los Angeles, you’re not doing it right!” You’ve been around thirty years, how does that work out to people.

She agreed “not very well.”

I said the goalposts are moving and now the controversy within NA is over drug substitute programs. You have SAMHSA over here saying that subs are recovery, but then you have NA members screaming no they’re not, and making those people feel unwelcome or like they’re not doing enough.

The facilitator offered that subs have to be monitored by licensed professionals.

I said yeah of course, but things are different today, we have a fentanyl crisis on our hands and one misplaced fleck of that stuff will kill you. I guess I’d rather see someone weaning off on subs than trying to taper off on street drugs.

I’d say it went pretty well.

Other than the Al-Anon barreling out of the parking garage in his SUV and almost running me over after the session.

Leave it to a fucking Al Anon to try to ruin it when I’m having a nice time and enjoying myself!

The sunset was a glorious canvas of purples and reds.

I hopped in my car and Spotify played a track off of the CD I was playing last time I kicked dope.

Posted at at January 31, 2019 on Thursday, January 31, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Maybe I was right about college being fucking stupid.

I noted that this school has a 43 page handbook explaining where you may and may not park, and it itemizes all the dumb bullshit their glorified mall cops reserve the right to issue you a “citation” for.

I’m not even in the front door yet and I already hate this place.

I’m guessing the Student Handbook is a deuzy with a higher word count than Mein Kampf.

The first thing I noticed was a blood pressure monitor and a defibrillator.

Ok, I must be in the right place. This must be where all the middle aged failures end up.

Where the fuck is the bathroom?

This place is dumb.

Update: I found the bathrooms.

They only accommodate two genders.

I thought this was supposed to be a university in California, reeeeeee.

Posted at at January 31, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Dear Fourth Step:

Dolly Parton would tell you that she has an opinion about everyone and everything ... but that doesn’t mean that you are privy to her opinion about someone.

I, too, have an opinion about everyone.

Maybe I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re a sexual predator, a saboteur, a fucking jerkoff nobody wants to deal with, or that you use newcomers as a punching bag.

Did you remember to explain the reason for your ban in your daily email blast(s)? What are you doing to work on this behavior? Go ahead and throw traditions in my face, let’s start with tradition one — which more or less says that the group comes before the individual.

All are welcome, but not all behaviors.

The group is who I owe my allegiance to.

Perhaps my opinion of someone starts with the letter “c” and rhymes with “cunt.” Unlike some people, I am not a fake fuck if I do not like you.

I think it’s an understatement to say that I don’t have Dolly Parton’s class or her manners.

I have allowed some of this to spill over onto my blog -- but I am not sure if this is the story that I was here to tell and I'm deleting some posts because I'm not letting them poison it.





Posted at at January 30, 2019 on Wednesday, January 30, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Midnight

I’ve learned that I can take off my cheerleading outfit, put down my pom poms, and show up and be an empty shell of a human if that’s where I’m at tonight.

If it is after midnight and I am fucking exhausted and I barely have enough ambition to fog up a mirror stuck under my nostrils that will have to be okay.

I don’t even care if it’s okay with you. I don’t owe you shit.

Posted at at January 30, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Sorry, Mom

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She took three bars of Xanax and poured a tall glass of red;
And said fuck these kids, I’ve had it and I’m going to bed.

Posted at at January 29, 2019 on Tuesday, January 29, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

😱


Posted at at January 28, 2019 on Monday, January 28, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

“mic drop!”

I went back to that bitchy little meeting and raised my hand and said “God rides me like a hood rat in a stolen Camaro.”

[I don’t know if everyone laughed, but most of the room did, and I continued]

“He picked me up like a needle on a record and he put me in another groove. Fuck, that made my night."

The chair said “mic drop!” and I left again.

Posted at at January 26, 2019 on Saturday, January 26, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

A Rude Awakening

“He picks us up like a needle on a record and puts us in another groove.”

I heard him.

The guy stared at me and asked me if I understood what he meant.

I said “no.”

They were making fun of him outside:

"I just.. can't with him. I had to walk out on him."

And on Twitter, no less.

I snapped a picture of someone's mean tweet because I was genuinely interested but I was only half listening at first and I missed the first part that she tweeted about.

I read her tweet, thought about it for a minute, went back inside, and said “Hey Rainbow?”

“Yeah?”

“God rides me like a hood rat in a stolen Camaro.”

He laughed.

... idk I decided this was a rude meeting and I left after that. #AAWisdom


Posted at at January 26, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Supergirls Don’t Cry

One of our facilitators said she wished she had one of supergirl’s abilities:

She put her hand on another participant’s forehead and said something like “Supergirl has the ability to put her hand on your forehead and wipe away a bad memory.”

Then she gave a demonstration.

I just about spit my coffee out:

I use the nick “supergirl” sometimes.

Supergirl DOES have that capability, if she buys a fat sack of special K and puts a bump or two of it on a key for you.

And then there are those of us who don’t need dissociative agents to go all disso on you.

*puts his hand on his own forehead and makes the trauma vanish and the bad people not exist anymore*

I told you I was supergirl.

I may or may not have been responsible for the memory she wished she could erase.


Posted at at January 25, 2019 on Friday, January 25, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Busted

My roommate was showing me pictures on his Facebook account to see how I’d rate his fuck buds.

Usually I will never fight over a dude with my friends because we have different tastes.

Nacuntie likes naired and brainless twinks, and I’m chasing after bears, lumberjacks, Latinos, and Middle Eastern dudes.

But I think me and my roommate are gonna brawl over the same boys.

“This ones married.”

“God. DAMN. If he wasn’t, he’s about to be.”

A picture of some hot tattooed shirtless Latin daddy made my pussy pucker.

“Fuck, he’s hot.”

“That ones me.”

I looked at him.

Shit.

Busted.

Posted at at January 24, 2019 on Thursday, January 24, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

🐸 ☕️

What a relief it’ll be to have steppers gossiping and/or angry about something awful I *actually* fucking did for once in my life instead of the bullshit they tend to make up.

Posted at at January 22, 2019 on Tuesday, January 22, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Music


Posted at at January 21, 2019 on Monday, January 21, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Supergirls just fly ...

You can tell by the way
She walks that she's my girl
You can tell by the way
She talks, she rules the world

You can see in her eyes
That no one is her chain
She's my girl
My supergirl

And then she'd say
It's okay
I got lost
On the way but I'm a supergirl
And supergirls don't cry

And then she'd say
It's alright
I got home
Late last night, but I'm a supergirl
And supergirls just fly

And then she'd say
It's alright
I got home
Late last night, but I'm a supergirl
And supergirls just fly

And then she'd say
That nothing can go wrong
When you're in love
What can go wrong?

Then she'd laugh
The night time into day
Pushing her fear
Further along

And then she'd say
It's okay
I got lost
On the way but I'm a supergirl
And supergirls don't cry

And then she'd shout
Down the line
Tell me she's got no more time
'Cause she's a supergirl
And supergirls don't hide

And then she'd scream
In my face
Tell me to leave, leave this place
'Cause she's a supergirl
And supergirls just fly

Yes, she's a supergirl
A supergirl
She's sewing seeds
She's burning trees
She's sewing seeds
She's burning trees
Yes, she's a supergirl
A supergirl
A supergirl
My supergirl

— Anna Naklib, Supergirl

Posted at at January 21, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Helpdesk

”I set your temporary password to 12345.”

“That’s it? 12345?”

“Yes.”

“12345? That’s the same password I have on my pussy!”

“That was rude.” *click*

Posted at at January 20, 2019 on Sunday, January 20, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

"Look at your recovery shine."

The moderator team on nachat.live made some violent homophobic threats towards me.

The reason they wanted to "beat my ass" and mocked me for having aids was for someone trolling their site. I got a text message telling me I might want to go and look at what was happening.

I was "woody" in this transcript.

The other one, I determined who she was by comparing her IP address to the address in my logs. 

Read between the lines: They thought she was me.

That's why she ridiculed them for not being smart.

She's the one who said look at your recovery shine, fool.

And the stuff with CanadianFarmer was directed at Susie.

"How many others has she harmed?"

Want to take a guess who that was? Who hates Susie more than war in this world?

I could take these people's inventories endlessly -- and believe me, I have.

These assholes have threatened to beat me, sue me, and/or have me put in prison over other parties trolling their website and/or their butthurt over their chatroom bans.

I just want you to know who they really are.

Here's an excerpt of the stuff they had to say about me:

<Shiloh>  If it was real life we could beat their ass
<Shiloh> and would
*** yoursiteisdone was kicked by Shiloh (Shiloh)
<Shiloh> He's a scrawny diseased little pervert with a short time to live
<Shiloh> Come on Stan...the LAST thing he wants to be is a "Man"
<Shiloh> Unless they can cure aids and other stds his days are numbered anyway. If the drugs don't kill him the disease will
 <Shiloh> He's so fragile now he can hardly type
<Shiloh> He's crap his pants if hhe met either of us on the street
<Shiloh> he can hardly walk
<Shiloh> They say even the other perverts think he's unsafe
<Shiloh> He's scared to stay in one place very long for fear  of real people
<Shiloh> I think ..." among his fellow perverts" he's shunned
<Shiloh>  they want to live
<Shiloh> for a while
 

<Stan> og geezus
<Stan> this is screwed up
<Stan> this fucker never quits
<Stan> he is a pussy doesnt even have the balls to call me even when I said to block his phone number..
<Stan> wait
<Stan> dont kick
+++ Stan has given op to UnderDawg
<Stan> Robert have the fucking balls to call me to peace of slime
<Stan> you are slime
<Stan> fucking pussy
<Stan> recovery my ass you fuck peave of shit
<Stan> come on give me what ever you have
<Stan> I am not like the others and scared of you
<Shiloh> Come on Stan...the LAST thing he wants to be is a "Man"
<Stan> peace of shit
<Stan> fuck you
<Stan> smart??
<Stan> your a dumbass
<Stan> hey havent you noticed I havent really been trying anything on your site? Yeah keep this up and you will find yourself in a court. Remember I have all your info now. I will send everything to your mothers house..
<Stan> and also your so called biz name.. Kiss that goodbye


Here's a paste of the full transcript:

<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend477!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend477
<thisisfun> false advertising bitches, down right lies. You all need Jesus
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend656!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend656
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend815!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend815
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend285!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend285
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend556!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend556
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend780!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend780
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend613!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend613
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend173!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend173
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend639!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend639
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend880!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend880
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend039!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend039
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend041!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend041
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend601!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend601
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall Hyjinx!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to Hyjinx
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend861!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend861
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend494!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend494
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend154!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend154
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall Nae!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to Nae
<Nae> Thank you good to be back
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend619!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend619
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend902!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend902
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend038!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend038
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall yallsuck!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to yallsuck
--- Stan has banned *!*sex*@*
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall SexFiend678!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to SexFiend678
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall S3xFiend829!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to S3xFiend829
<yallsuck> haha
<Stan> fuck you
<Stan> asshole
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall S3xFiend986!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to S3xFiend986
+++ Stan set the channel to mode +i
<yallsuck> how many tits does susie have
*** yallsuck was kicked by Stan (Stan)
<Shiloh> Hi Stan
+++ Stan has taken voice from Freedom
+++ Stan has taken voice from nun
+++ Stan has taken voice from woody
+++ Stan set the channel to mode -i
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall S3xFiend972!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to S3xFiend972
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall S3xFiend844!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to S3xFiend844
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall S3xFiend116!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to S3xFiend116
+++ Stan has taken op from UnderDawg
+++ Stan has given voice to CanadianFarmer
<Stan> Hi CF
<CanadianFarmer> she said she felt an instant connection to me, how many others has she harmed
<CanadianFarmer> truthfully
<Shiloh> ?
<Stan> og geezus
<Shiloh> Who?
<Shiloh> Nancy Pelosi?
*** softylikewoody was kicked by Shiloh (Shiloh)
<Stan> this is screwed up
<Shiloh> Yep
<Stan> this fucker never quits
*** spongelikeshiloh was kicked by Shiloh (Shiloh)
<Shiloh> We do what we can
<Shiloh>  If it was real life we could beat their ass
<Shiloh> and would
*** yoursiteisdone was kicked by Shiloh (Shiloh)
<Stan> he is a pussy doesnt even have the balls to call me even when I said to block his phone number..
<Shiloh> He's a scrawny diseased little pervert with a short time to live
<woody> im not even doing this, im robert. i dont know who THAT is.
<Stan> wait
Cannot send to channel: #NAChatHall
<Stan> dont kick
+++ Stan has given op to UnderDawg
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall cantkeepmeout!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to cantkeepmeout
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall S3xFiend166!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to S3xFiend166
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall S3xFiend115!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to S3xFiend115
<cantkeepmeout> fried cat for lunch
<Stan> Robert have the fucking balls to call me to peace of slime
<cantkeepmeout> what did he call you
<Stan> you are slime
<cantkeepmeout> i call betsy cat hair
<Stan> fucking pussy
<cantkeepmeout> wow look at your recovery shine
<cantkeepmeout> fool
<Stan> recovery my ass you fuck peave of shit
<Stan> come on give me what ever you have
<cantkeepmeout> lol simmer down clown
<Stan> I am not like the others and scared of you
<Shiloh> Come on Stan...the LAST thing he wants to be is a "Man"
<cantkeepmeout> haha or as smart i see
<Stan> peace of shit
<Stan> fuck you
<Stan> smart??
<cantkeepmeout> lmmfao
<Stan> your a dumbass
<cantkeepmeout> stfushiloh dont you have dishes to do
<cantkeepmeout> another generation to ruin
<Shiloh> Unless they can cure aids and other stds his days are numbered anyway. If the drugs don't kill him the disease will
<cantkeepmeout> get busy
<cantkeepmeout> Youve got aids
 <Shiloh> He's so fragile now he can hardly type
<cantkeepmeout> but you wont kill me
<cantkeepmeout> you mean can't
<Shiloh> He's crap his pants if hhe met either of us on the street
<cantkeepmeout> get skooled
<Stan> hey havent you noticed I havent really been trying anything on your site? Yeah keep this up and you will find yourself in a court. Remember I have all your info now. I will send everything to your mothers house..
<Shiloh> he can hardly walk
<cantkeepmeout> hahaha go ahead fred
<Shiloh> They say even the other perverts think he's unsafe
<Stan> and also your so called biz name.. Kiss that goodbye
<cantkeepmeout> you should know shiloh, guess what they say about you
<cantkeepmeout> hahaha
<cantkeepmeout> hahaha
<cantkeepmeout> pansies
<Stan> yeah look whos talking
<cantkeepmeout> wheres slutty
<UnderDawg> \\/\//elcome to the NA Chat Main Hall woody_!
+++ UnderDawg has given voice to woody_
<Shiloh> He's scared to stay in one place very long for fear  of real people
<woody_> y'all. im robert. ive been in here as woody this whole time. thats not me.
<woody_> i recorded everything
<woody_> and im blogging it
<cantkeepmeout> shiloh stfu you aren't real, only real small
<woody_> my cell carrier is sprint
<woody_> thats at&t
<woody_> thats not me
<Shiloh> I think ..." among his fellow perverts" he's shunned
<Shiloh>  they want to live
<Shiloh> for a while
<woody_> you homophobic
*** cantkeepmeout was kicked by Stan (Stan)
*** woody_ was kicked by Stan (Stan)
*** woody was kicked by Stan (Stan)
!!! You have been kicked from #NAChatHall

Posted at at January 17, 2019 on Thursday, January 17, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Neighborhood Nuclear Superiority!

"Even the nicest neighborhood can be spoiled by neighbors. It's no good to complain. It will still go on, day after day, week after week. At NNS, we know that people are just NO DAMN GOOD!"

#dead 😂🤣

"I called NNS and they really helped by inflating my natural paranoia and reinforcing my territorial imperative." 

Oh my god. 

Try "year after year."

10:59 AM BotServ Bot ResentmentServ has been assigned
12:56 PM JFT_BOT NNS_BOT
12:56 PM NNS_BOT ;)


Posted at at January 16, 2019 on Wednesday, January 16, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Bitch I’m Shakira

Posted at at January 15, 2019 on Tuesday, January 15, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Heroes

All or Nothing, May 11 2017

"I'd heard the backstory about the founder. 
She had behavioral problems and she'd been kicked out of every group in town.
 
So she went off and founded this place. It helps thousands of people every month."


I went "fuck yes, this is my spirit animal."

They tried to tell this lady she belonged in the garbage.

It would have only been polite for her to go sit outside in the trash bin and wait to be hauled away so that they could all enjoy their stupid fucking meetings without her.

But she didn't do that. Her organization helps thousands of Los Angeles residents facing homelessness, or needing support with mental health or substance issues. There are a ton of non 12-step based support groups for everything: Grief, survivors of sexual assault, anger management, etc.

They use behavioral intervention techniques: No one is banned, punished, excluded, or turned away.

You get used to being compassionate towards people who might otherwise frighten you on the street.

I am so inspired by her.

For awhile, I used to keep an eye on people on court ordered community service at Share. It mostly consisted of showing them where the Windex and rags were kept or making sure they weren't fucking in one of the conference rooms, or hiding in some staircase texting while earning community servuce hours on their timesheet.

Faced with the same problems, I sat silent in meetings for years.

I didn't want to be "crazy" or annoy people.


 **************

I listened to this new Blood Orange CD on August 24, 2018.

It's a dope CD.

But the samples with Janet Mock blow my fucking mind.

I've changed my mind.

No matter how quiet you are, no matter how much you try to change your behavior, someone is always going to try to throw some shit in your face or speak ill of you.

Yes, people might be irritated or annoyed or think you're fucking crazy.

But some people might think you're hilarious and love you for who you are and never forget you too.

When you shrink yourself -- I love the way Janet put that -- you may protect yourself, but you might also prevent anyone from knowing you or loving you.

I used to consider myself race blind, and I tried to remember how we are all connected at the source, how we are all one, living in this illusion together, and how kids at the playground accept each other and play with each other fearlessly and without even understanding that they are boys or girls or different colors. These kids don't even understand that numbers or letters from the alphabet are different from one another yet for fucks sake.

I didn't like using the word "transgendered" before politics went crazy. If you told me you were a woman, I accepted you as a woman. If you didn't tell me and I wasn't sure, it was none of my god damned business. I felt as if a label like "transgender woman" was demeaning in some way, to say that they were less than a woman. 20 years ago I thought that this was forward for my time.

Then something slipped off its axis and I was no longer enough of an ally in the current political and social environment.

It makes me a little nervous and afraid to say that I have a hero who happens to be transgendered.

It makes me a little nervous and afraid to say that I have a hero who happens to be a woman.

It makes me a little nervous and afraid to say that I have a hero who happens to be black and proud.

I feel a polite, white, starbucks sipping little voice in me that's nagging me to edit myself or go back to the playground and just say that I have "a hero."

It's 2019 and I consider a transgendered person a fucking hero who has totally changed my life.

This is a role model I can (and do) look up to and say "This is who the fuck I want to be."

We could have started with the idea that "transgender" is not demeaning in any way and it doesn't make you any less of a woman. It means you've probably walked through hell and back and have incredible strength. I'd prefer to hold someone in my mind as a transgendered individual and honor that. I'd prefer to hold someone in my mind as a fierce fucking black woman and LOVE that.

Fuck that tepid "acceptance" shit from 1999.

When you get look at the pain that comes with our struggles with queer identity or our communities or our places in the world, our differences from one another and what appears to separate ourselves appears to be a lot different on the surface.
 I have shrunk myself for the sake of others, trying to not stand out or to blend in with the wallpaper in these last couple of years.

I might come out of my shell and snipe a group with something funny once in awhile.

I figured out that I wasn't any happier for this.

I figured out that I wasn't any less lonely for it.

Hero.

"This is who the fuck I want to be."

That album has some themes of queer, black, identity, and/or gender depression intertwined into it.

I have had so much of this shit rattling around in my head and my heart and it's as if Janet offered me a new pair of eyeglasses and said "Here, try looking again now."

If you're going to survive in the rooms then you need to read this.

So, like, my favorite images are the ones where
Someone who isn't supposed to be there
Who's like in a space, a space where
We were not ever welcomed in, where we were not invited
Yet we walk in and we show all the way up
People try to put us down by saying
"She's doing the most," or "He's way too much."
But, like, why would we want to do the least?

... My eternal resolution will be “to do too much.”

You asked me what family is
And I think of family as community
I think of the spaces where you don't have to shrink yourself
Where you don't have to pretend or to perform
You can fully show up and be vulnerable
And in silence, completely empty and
That's completely enough
You show up, as you are, without judgment, without ridicule
Without fear or violence, or policing, or containment
And you can be there and you're filled all the way up
We get to choose our families
We are not limited by biology
We get to make ourselves
And we get to make our family

— Janet Mock

Posted at at January 14, 2019 on Monday, January 14, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Blanket


Posted at at January 14, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

The Wall

When I crossed from Tijuana last night, there was a big portrait of a balding orange man grinning at all of us from the wall. I turned around and said I bet everyone loves being greeted by that. There was a lot of laughter.

I’m not saying that the orange man is bad. I’m just saying that he’s orange and going out on a limb and guessing that people arriving in the US from Tijuana aren’t happy to see his face on the wall.

I was not searched crossing in either direction. 20,000 a day crossing through that checkpoint on foot and I already can’t wait for the next time I’m one of them. I guess “the wall” isn’t going to stop guns or drugs. I stand corrected, the only thing it’s stopping is brown people. They’re trying to tell you that, some of these folks cross the damn thing every day to go to work or go shopping or visit family and friends, if they can. For those who can’t, some meet each other at the slats to talk, to touch each others hands, or cry.

On a totally unrelated note, orange man very bad.



Posted at at January 13, 2019 on Sunday, January 13, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

It's alright

I woke up this morning having a dream about rebuilding the website. There was something about a day one activation, and blood spewing out of my wounds as I woozily wobbled towards an ambulance.

I guess you could say that it was disturbing.

I was not going back to sleep after that.

Then something clicked, it opened the floodgates and I wrote all morning.

I choose to interpret everything I just wrote in a metaphorical context:

My words this morning are the blood spewing out of my emotional wounds.

“Our movements have torn a hole through you.”

I assume... the movements of whatever force guides and loves me and works around me and through me and occasionally uses me as a tool ... or a weapon as the case may be.

Your movements haven’t torn a hole through me.

They’ve filled a hole in me.

“Nothing worth having comes without a fight. Got to kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight.”

Posted at at January 13, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Coming back this and underlining it.


This story is elaborated on further by the post titled "Church" on May 17, 2018.

I mention this thing about being the first kind word that someone may have heard in a long time.

I mention this thing from time to time about how that sort of thing can make someone cry.

I know this because someone handed me a cassette tape in 1996.

I know this because I've seen others do the same. Maybe I had nothing to do with it, but it's still a trip scrolling up and watching shit like that take place.

I wrote a post titled "Dividends" on August 1, 2018:

"Tonight I heard a woman call Annie out and say she was so glad Annie welcomed her and told her she was beautiful. And how that’s exactly what she needed tonight.

I tried not to cry.

I said I’d come back to this and underline it, but I had told Annie not to underestimate what a [few] kind words will do to someone who hasn’t had a kind word said to them in  a long time."







4:44 AM <hatchetgirl> plus manson lives in la sooo you know stalker status
4:48 AM <rob> Shit. You just reminded me of something.
4:50 AM <rob> I was bullied in high school -- for having an ankle bracelet, for attending the wrong church, for being gay, for not being from that town, for all manner of things
4:50 AM <rob> "queer freak," "satanist"
4:50 AM <rob> their nickname for me was church
4:50 AM <rob> "hey freak, did you go to church today?"
4:50 AM <rob> i wanted to kill myself then.
4:50 AM <rob> lizzie londerville was the goth girl who stared into me and saw my pain
4:51 AM <rob> she handed me a cassette tape of marilyn manson's antichrist superstar
4:51 AM <rob> with a sweet note telling me i was a good person
4:51 AM <rob> and fuck those people
4:51 AM <rob> and "evil within will allow you to be you."
4:52 AM <hatchetgirl> umm i love lizzie she sounds like my doppleganger
4:52 AM <rob> i didnt know what to make of it. i liked the cassette. and as disturbing as this little pentagram covered note with a marilyn manson tape seems like it should have been, it was the sweetest kindest thing anyone had said to me in a long time.
4:52 AM <rob> it changed things for me and the goths protected me for the rest of my short stint in high school.
4:53 AM <rob> youd better love lizzie, because if lizzie didnt love me, i dont know if id be here to love you.
4:53 AM <rob> i told you someday youll help others.
4:53 AM <rob> and the others you help may go on to help others.
4:53 AM <rob> you dont know.
4:54 AM <hatchetgirl> i hope to one day help others
4:54 AM <rob> just be you
4:54 AM <hatchetgirl> i do love lizzie cause i love my rob
4:54 AM <rob> dont try
4:54 AM <rob> because you already helped me
4:54 AM <rob> in a way you didnt understand
4:54 AM <rob> and without trying
4:54 AM <rob> speak your truth
4:54 AM <rob> tell people where you are at
4:54 AM <rob> and who you are
4:54 AM <rob> let them hate you because of what you say
4:55 AM <rob> give the rest of us an opportunity to love you because of what you say
4:55 AM <hatchetgirl> rob seriously youre amazing man
4:55 AM <rob> if you shrink yourself, play normal to fit in, or try to sound good
4:55 AM <rob> it doesnt help you or us
4:55 AM <rob> we all laughed or smiled at oxygenwaster
4:55 AM <rob> its the small stuff
4:56 AM <rob> <3 you are too hatchetgirl im glad youre here
4:56 AM <hatchetgirl> im so happy out hp s conspired and brought us together
4:57 AM <rob> i was such a loser i had to make a whole website and put a bunch of flypaper on it hoping addicts and drunks would trip and fall over the server and stick to it and be my friends ;(
4:57 AM <rob> i made more enemies i think
4:57 AM <rob> but the friends are pretty awesome too!!!!!

Posted at at January 13, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Whatever, whenever!

I saw the silver shimmy belt and I couldn’t help myself.

I took it off the mannequin and I put it around my hips.

I gyrated my waist and hips and mumbled “whatever! whenever!” singing softly to myself.

I giggled a little bit.

I don’t even know that song, the only one I know is “Empire.”

I wasn’t giggling as hard as the two teenage girls standing behind me holding a smartphone.

I whipped my head around. They stopped laughing and lowered the phone.

I busted out laughing.

They started laughing too.

I turned red.

Ah, fuck, that’s probably on someone’s Facebook or Instagram timeline now.

I bought the shimmy belt.

I’m going to be Gay Fat Bearded Shakira.


Posted at at January 13, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

A Day 1 Activation might go something like this

I received permission to write about this. 

The story is better than this, but the only person whose whole process I am at liberty to put out there on this page is my own.

******

She came into the room with the name “oxygen waster.”

I shouldn’t have laughed at it.

Because she kind of meant business.

But I did laugh.

I saw other people do the same thing: 

“LOL. OMG I LOVE YOUR NICKNAME.”

She was confused: Why is that so god damned funny to everyone? 

Because we’ve all felt like that before.

She explained that she got it from a band.

Not everyone comes back.

But she came back.

And then she came back again.

It only took a couple of days before the chat robot offered another animal in the hunting game.

Somebody typed !axe

I don’t even know what the bot says anymore. Something like: “Whoop whoop! [your] hatchet swings right and left, [you] have massacred a [$animal]. This juggalo killer has smoked X animals.”

The new arrival has a question: “wait, which one of you is the juggalo?”

The near 40-year-old with a hatchet girl tattoo who wrote the website with the aforementioned juggalo Easter egg.

“Mmfwcl”

“MCL”

And when she said we made her cry and want to live,

I cried too.

Maybe other people leave this place with hope,

But I’m not usually one of them.

Posted at at January 13, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Day 1 Activation

I had a dream we were going to build another website again for some reason.

And you were there,
And you were there,
And (you) were there.

Excitedly, we raced around town in a sedan from one member’s door to another to whisper the news and get them into the car.

I began to reload a Linux operating system on a system and I watched the dots flash across the screen ....................................
....................................
....................................
....................................

We hurried off to Ashlyn’s house.

She wasn’t home.

Well, we’d better not tell her now anyway,

She might not understand or support this.

(Okay, let’s go.)

There are already seven of us ready.

Isn’t that enough?

(Why yes, I reckon that it is.)

Is she on board?

(Uh-huh. She’s using a new nickname and pretending she’s new.)

Is he on board?

(Uh-huh. Him too.)

What about her?

(No. She’s already on another site.)

What’s her excuse? I’m on about five of them that I cycle through all day long.

Things were going so well, I turned to one of them and said “You’ve never been here to see a day one activation, have you?”

She got really quiet.

I went back upstairs to resume my work.

Two of the others came upstairs looking for me and they seemed quite alarmed.

(“Day one activation.”)

(Why did he say that?)

(How does he know what that is?)

“You need to go to the hospital right now.”

“Why?”

“Our movements have torn a hole through you.”

“What?”

“Go downstairs. Right Now. We’re not kidding, we called an ambulance and they’re on the way. You have to go.”

(I was confused but I agreed.)

I got to the bottom of the stairs and saw the flashing lights outside of the front door.

(I opened the door.)

“Is this him?”

(Hm, I don’t feel so good. I held on to my stomach.)

I noticed the trail of blood and I blacked out.

Posted at at January 13, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Hoetry or Floetry...


Posted at at January 12, 2019 on Saturday, January 12, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Family

You asked me what family is
And I think of family as community
I think of the spaces where you don't have to shrink yourself
Where you don't have to pretend or to perform
You can fully show up and be vulnerable
And in silence, completely empty and
That's completely enough
You show up, as you are, without judgment, without ridicule
Without fear or violence, or policing, or containment
And you can be there and you're filled all the way up
We get to choose our families
We are not limited by biology
We get to make ourselves
And we get to make our family

— Janet Mock (ft. in “Family” by Blood Orange)

Posted at at January 08, 2019 on Tuesday, January 8, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

The Sound of Loneliness

I wonder if I would have been good to you
I had drugs to do and guys to screw
Freedoms to taste, opportunities to waste
And cities I would flee in a haste

Sometimes, baby, things go down
And you need to get out of some other town
I had cars to crash, jobs from which to dash
Creative ways I would hustle for cash

Borders to cross and miles to roam
Abandoned buildings and cars I'd call home
Trains to catch and webs to weave
A few regrets and a few things I'd grieve

A few things that I didn't understand or know:
How to hold on to someone and not let go
How to be okay with not being okay 
How to be okay with actually being okay

How not fuck with happy, and not fuck with okay
How to be present in the moment or the day
How to recognize that someone like you
Might have enjoyed doing all of that too.

Posted at at January 08, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Mezmerized

Picture, if you will, a couple in a blue Toyota Prius from Wyoming, shoving Pringles potato chips into their faces
She’s driving and he’s wearing an Argyle sweater, looking like a millennial waifu with silver dollar sized eyes.
They’re both pointing at every object and building and person on Hollywood Boulevard, talking excitedly.
I haven’t been that excited since the one time I dropped ecstasy and wandered into the produce section at Jewel Osco.
Marveling at the lucious red apples
Stunned by how bright and beautiful the yellows of the bananas were.
How vivid the tangerines and lemons and loose leaf spinach looked.
Staring at the sprinklers with the wonder of a child
As the PA system began to play “Singing in the Rain”
Singing in the rain,
Singing in the rain!
My rapture unbroken by the cashier asking me to please leave.
Oh my gosh, she was pretty!
They both have that look about them right now
Cruising past the Hollywood Walk of Fame
Mesmerized out of their minds and probably without ecstasy.
But then again, it’s Hollywood Boulevard
And this is within the realm of possibility
He favors the sour cream and onion flavor.
And hers look like they might be barbecue.
I’m so happy for the both of them today.
Like the weeds and the dandelions, love always finds a way

Posted at at January 07, 2019 on Monday, January 7, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Okay

I guess I’m comfortable and I guess this is peaceful.

I’m neither elated nor depressed.

I’m okay.

This beats the fuck out of “not okay.”

If I could go back to my 20-year-old self and tell him one thing, it would be “you’re okay now.”

I was okay and I didn’t even know it.

I was safe and I didn’t even know it.

I didn’t know how to just be okay.

Posted at at January 07, 2019 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Crappy New Year

I tried getting a hold of the guy from last New Years.

Why the hell not?

He didn't respond.

I had someone else I was talking to invite me down to San Diego, so I set that in Destination Mode and I slowly worked my way down the state earning money as I went along.

I had made it as far south as Carlsbad, CA and decided to accept one more ride before checking into my hotel and changing for the evening.

The app sent me down the wrong street.

I braked for a dog that ran in front of my car. I'd later learn that her name is Pepper.

But there were TWO dogs.

The one I didn't see head butted my car and made a "clunk!"

I went what the fuck.

(His name is Jack.)

The owners came out, freaking the fuck out.

They were worried about Pepper. I kept trying to tell them she was okay and that they needed to find Jack and get him to a vet.

Pepper got spooked and ran off but she never even got within 20 feet of my car. She was okay.

Well, Karen was sobbing inconsolably and I didn't know what to say in this situation.

I don't remember the life instruction manual for "someone let their dogs run into the street and one of them whacked your car."

I texted a friend who said "So what? It's just a dog."

I was like "Yeah, try telling that to this lady. This is like her kid dude. This ruined a whole family's fucking new year."

So I helped them search for Pepper for a couple hours.

Karen's husband hinted at getting my insurance information. I didn't have the heart to tell him that if there was any damage to my car, my insurance company was probably going to be more likely to pursue them for "negligence." This wasn't the time or place for that. I just wanted to find their dogs and make sure they were okay, we could talk about all of this later.

Jack had a scratch on his head and seemed okay. I was like ... he really needs to go to a vet. Dogs can't tell you they're in pain and they're really good at hiding pain.

Karen was freaked out about Pepper. I said she's fine, maybe she is scared of me or scared of my car and she will come home after I leave.

My date asked me where I was, and I told him what had happened.

He was a dick about it.

After a few hours I said hey y'all I'm really sorry but I'm 38 and I'm on heart attack #2. I can't help anymore but I can buy you some bigger search lights or something if you want.

Karen declined, thanked me, and said no, you can go.

We exchanged contact info.

It was 11:00 by then.

The guy sent me a few more texts and I was like, well, I'm heading to San Diego anyway.

He goes "What for?"

I don't know, because it's late and I have a hotel reservation?

I would rather be with the dude who stopped what he was doing to try to find these animals.

I wouldn't want shit to do with anybody who was like "oh well, that sucks" and took off.

I said alright dude, I'm gonna go check into my hotel and then see this shitty year out alone.

I worked and took passengers all night. Fuck it. I'll be of service getting people home safe.

My last passenger of the night was around 4:00am. Some girl from Sweden staying at the Travelodge off Exit 1 on the I-5. I could have thrown rocks at Tijuana from there.

The auditor had cancelled my reservation at 2:00am and sold my room by then. They sold out.

So I slept in my car at some rest stop.

And Pepper was okay, just like I said she was.



Posted at at January 02, 2019 on Wednesday, January 2, 2019 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

A Christmas Story

It was a lonely Christmas but I wasn’t alone at the Dead Hooker Motel.
It was somewhere south of Pico, where the city of Los Angeles stopped giving a shit about naming streets anymore and gave them all numbers.
My pussy was poppered up and trembling like a shitting dog.
I heard the desk clerk say “damn, bitch” as he used his key to open the door.
Then he fucked me too.

The walls were stained
The mattress creaked
We humped and pumped in a heated frenzy and when I left, I leaked.

Posted at at December 27, 2018 on Thursday, December 27, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Meh, it’s LA. You don’t need a pool to impress me. I’d be like “ooooo, this bitch has a YARD.”

Posted at at December 24, 2018 on Monday, December 24, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

If I get any last minute offers to meet your parents for the holidays my favorite thing to eat on Christmas is Xanax.

Posted at at December 24, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Years of hanging on to dreams already gone, goddamn twinks, get off my lawn.

My checking accounts in arrears
Grindr only shows the nearest ten queers
A dialog box for for my subscription appears:
I’ll be renewing this bullshit for another ten years

Posted at at December 23, 2018 on Sunday, December 23, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

People who live in Los Angeles proper have a tendency to use Long Beach as a marker of an evening gone wrong:

“Girl, I started sucking dick up in Value Village and the next thing I know I’m on Grindr fucking my way south. I was south of the 105 getting knocked up in some trailer in Compton and then SOMEHOW I ended up all the way down in Long Beach.”

[horrified gasp]

“Yes. Long Beach. I knew then that I’d finally hit rock bottom.”

[polite applause]

Posted at at December 20, 2018 on Thursday, December 20, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Renascence

"How do you like living in Los Angeles?"

"Uh... well. I didn't think I was going to be your Uber driver when I grew up. But when I look at the smoldering ruins of the life I left behind, I suppose this is a blessing."

Posted at at December 18, 2018 on Tuesday, December 18, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under: