Flowers are red, young man. "A" is to "B" as "B" is to "C." Unless it isn't. There's no need to see genetics any other way than the way they always have been seen.

Month: December 2020


I stopped somewhere for a brief liaison, and the other gentlemen was a “out in the hall when we’re done” kind of fellow so I wasn’t offered a shower and I pretty much left with whatever was left of his love dripping down my leg and some of my own encrusted on my stomach hair.

I hit a security checkpoint on the 2D. 

Their drug dog started sniffing and making obscene grunting noises and panting while he buried his nose in my crotch and ass taking long deep satisfied whiffs.

All I could do was just stand there.

Then he stood on his hind legs and started humping my leg.

I didn’t know whether I was more humiliated or whether I was more amused. I was about to bust out cry-laughing in front of the ejercitos but they were stone faced, searched me and my car and waved me off.

I’m like “do not laugh… do not laugh.. do NOT laugh.. think of Amy Schumer and Kathy Griffin jokes…”

I wish a nice handsome man would dry hump my leg or start grunting and sniffing me even half as passionately as the perro detector in Tecate did.


The military police found a (oh, something something, something that shouldn’t be there) under my passengers seat.

They tore my car to pieces and interrogated me for about an hour. My Spanish is terrible and I guess that’s one way to get some practice in. 

They told me I could have gone to jail for 30 days.

Oh god no, I can deal with prison but please don’t send me back to America, those people are awful.

I would have bent over the car and asked “is there ANY thing I can do to talk you out of this?” 

I had already found two mollies and a .45ACP round underneath the drivers seat and disposed of them before I left Arizona. I seriously thought my car was clean.

I asked one of them “¿por que no perro?”

He yelled “perro es muerte!” and stuck out his tongue, arms, and legs mimicking a dead K-9 unit. Everyone laughed.

Most of the dudes are pretty friendly and crack jokes.

I drove off thinking, “heyyyyy wait a second, is there sex in Mexican jail?”

*does a u-turn*